bitter raindrops

I noticed that my eyes are getting unusually bigger. That only means two things: I am not my normal self at all and that I haven’t had enough sleep the past days. I actually miss my happy carefree self. Right now, I always get tired. Both my body and my brain are tired to hell.. but my brain is more tired I suppose because I don’t think it functions as properly as my body does.. maybe I get especially tired of striving, of thinking how to do it properly and in the manner sane in your eyes. If only I could keep all eyes from turning to me so that I wont have to watch myself anymore. I hate it so badly when people think they are better versions of people that when I try to make a list, I want tocrash some heads and powderize some bones. Oh my, now im acting a violent piece of cr*p… must be the effect of insanity running through each piece of neuron in my brain.

I got home past 8:30 this evening. The traffic was so heavy I almost lost my little space to breath. i got really hungry..

I haven’t heard the sound of my phone since cza and lei texted me after lunch time.. nothing really but it only seems unusual because I’m not in my usual texting when my phone’s subscribed to unli mode.. I just don’t feel like txting every one right now just to brag how pathetic I feel.

Im thinking about the weather. The weather’s ok today. Not too hot unlike a couple of days ago because the wind breeze kept on caressing my face when I walked on the streets around Nepo mall today. The raindrops are about to fall and the sky isn’t on its usual blue color. Its gray lifeless color seems to mark the end of a one hot but happy summer days. It makes me feel sad though, it adds up to my feel like crying melodrama because it feels that the earth sympathizes with what I feel. she’s waiting for my tears to fall down from my eyes to my cheeks because she knows by that time,she would have to send the rain down just so no one would see me crying…

I hate it when I ride jeepneys and strangers sit beside me. When I travel alone, which I always do, I usually make it to the point that I sit always beside the driver’s sit because there, I can act more carefree than when I stay at the back seats.. I feel like owning a place of my own sitting infront. but I so much hate when strangers sit beside me on that place which I seem to own.

rotten happiness

Today is May 14, 2006

Sabi na nga ba…

I should have refrained myself from becoming too happy.
Should have believed in my so-called instincts.

I am always afraid of becoming happy because I know what it means and I have proven it so many times already. It means unexpected sorrows. . .

The past few days, I was all happy. it seemed that happiness was almost perfect. Because I had so many reasons to. One clear reason that I can think of is my job. I love my job because I love all the people that I work with. And I also have come to love the Korean students that we teach. . .

Now, I feel sad. The rain is pouring outside now. The rainy days have started and the lonely moments of my life I think are also starting to infect me.

Last Wednesday I was with a friend/sis for a celebration of one lonely moment – I was working with her until she was sent away for only God knows what reason. I miss her nowadays… all of us miss actually miss her.

But unfortunately, today, all of us only means me and ate Lai. It seems like people are leaving without any reason at all.

Last Friday, another important person left. It makes us feel…. feel what? It’s actually hard to explain. I’m trying to come up with words but I couldn’t. hmmm…maybe I feel miserable.

I’m missin’ a lot of people… right now, I’m missin’ two people whom I used to work with, smile with and laugh with…huhuhu..:c. and its really difficult…

And now I am thinking. Hard.
And I’m really sad.


Because I actually have a lot of reasons to.

changing carrers

Today is April 23, 2006 What about changing careers? “know what’s weird? Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different. You just go about your business and one day you realize you’re not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not.” I just received this txt message from my best friend cza who is probably wandering on the corridors of UP Diliman right at this very moment and she probably misses me so badly (hehe) coz we’re supposed to spend the summer there together but circumstances did not allow me to. . . I am going to be in fourth year after this summer. One very last year and I’m done with college (kung magpapakabait ako ;D). but really, I was planning of changing career… I am currently working as an English teacher right now (believe it or not) and hell, I love my job! Not that I don’t like my course or being in college and all, but really, I am being overwhelmed with my being able to work with abot langit na compensation (of course for my age – am still young:). Pano ba nagsimula ang kareer ko? Si ces ang may simula. . . My friend Ces met this Korean businessman who was looking for some English tutor at school. Finals ata niya sa Chem 16 non. The moment Ces went home, she told us about that teacher teacher thing…using Malene’s phone (bcoz as usual, wlang lwd si marian), we texted the future boss..tapos ayun, he and his wife already wanted to meet us and all of a sudden, we’re hired!!!!! Magsstart na daw kme the next morning.. akalain mo yun?! Amazing noh?! Ayun, sa carmenville pala ang location ng work.. mejo malayo sha from my home pero tyaga tyaga lang.. pera yun eh. . . Waaa!!!! My new job na kame! Yes! And there I met kuya Mamerto and we became friends. He is the real cause of my changing career problem right now… hehe… joke lang… laki nga ng utang ng utang na loob ko sa kanya eh.. madami raket nya, kabi-kabila. Tas ako lang yung naaambunan.. hehe.. at iyon nga… start na ng totong career ko.. gusto ko ng iwan ang school for money.. kese feeling ko sobrang rare lang nitong opportunity.. pera.. think of big money!!!! Tama nga si Lei, pera daw ang nagmamanipulate sa akin…Eh ang school, kahit na kelan pede ko pa naman balikan, walang magbabago.. UP will always be the same UP kahit kelan pa ako mag aral dun db? What if… What if just work full time and leave school for a while? Naisip ko na din to minsan.. and am still thinking about this. . huhu.. Pretty soon surely, I have to change! (wheter I decide to or not). ## madami ako namimiss ngaun.

rest in *

Sa totoo lang, inaantok na ako.. gusto ko na rin na0an na talagang matulog.. my body is tired but my bra5n seem to not recognize it. its likr this, when I would let my self be emptyhanded and and prepare to close my eyes, As much as I want to write so many things here, my cognitive processes are not functuuing properly. Wla, andami ko kse experiences today na sobrang I want to document. The sem has reached its end. Wee!!! Sa wakes..tapos na ang napakadugong sem na nagdaan. Isa sa pinakamadugong sem sa buong buhay ko sa kolehiyo ang semester na ito for so many reasons. First reason ay ang dreadful na chemistry 16. at last at last! I am officially done with chemistry 16. and by the way, chem. Was sweeter on its second time around. Hehe.. this second time, na enjoy ko talaga ang chemistry.. as in kung dati, 100 % ang regrets ko about what happened, ngayon, 50% na lang. Siempre, hindi ko naman kase maalis ang mga oras na nasayang at mga perang nawaldas para lang ma take ko uli ang chem. Db??? Next reason, I am officially done with prof Davis’ psych 171. sa totoo lang sobra ko naman naenjoy ang subject kaya lang, sangkatutk ding pressure ang inabot ko dito!!! My golly!!! Walang tatalo. Muntik pa kame maincomplete ng partner ko kasama ng mga partners naming ng partner ko.. gulo noh?? Hehe.. may kapartner ang partnership naming ni Jen kse partner kme ng group ni Lab sa pagsuong ng pahirap na dala ng mga paper naming. Buti na lang si sir open minded enpugh to accept the fact na ang result naming ay siyang talagang result kahit anong tumbling pa ang gawin naming. Madami ding sleepless nights akong naexperience dahil sa 171 na ito… pero they are all worth it. at sa ngayon, at last. I am officially done!!! Yeey!! So, eto munang mga ito for this time.,. raraket muna ko para maging wonderful naman ang summer ko.. ####### 5th april habang nasa panikz ako ngayhon at iniinternalize na ang bakasuyon, andito pa rin ako sa napakainit na lugar ng pampanga. Kumusta na kaya ang mga friends ko sa aking hometown paniqui? Nakauwi na ri kaya sila fr their kanya kanyang chorva? At namimiss kaya nila ako dahil dapat andun ako pero wala ako dun??? As much as I want to go home, I cant. Huhu… I jave some important commitments to attend to..una ay ang aking work. Would you believe, English tutor ako??? Yah,

letting go(ibang version naman..haha!:)

Today is April 2, 2006. today is one another day of letting go. Orange N Lemons’ “Pinoy ako” is currently playing in Lei’s CD player. That song playing on a day of letting go reminds me of some old happy memories of the past that actually happened in this same haus. And by the way, if I haven’t told you yet, today is leaving this houe. Yeah, you heard it right. We are leaving this house today to go to another one. I never expected we would have to come to this point and I’d be feeling this way. Hindi ko akalain, malulungkot pa rin pala ako. There came a point na sobrang hatred ng nafeel naming lahat kay tita cola dahil sa mga ginawa niyang pambabalahura sa amin dahil hindi kame nakakabayad on time. Pero in the end, I realized, I’ll still miss this hoyse. Ayun, alalang. This house would always remind me of a meaningful past. Bitter or swet memories alike. Hehe. Today is our one year and second month anniversary of our staying in this house yet instead of having a celebration like scenario, we are having our things packed. Two more hours and we are all probably outta here. Our things are prepared. And I guess, so are we.

####

You know, every passing summer, I feel this kind of shit. Hainaku… I feel somewhat melodaramatic whenever summer spreads its wings upon me. I don’t know exactly what difference summer brings and this summer would bring. I am totally cluless. Most of the time, the weather is hot and I don’t smell the way I want myself to smell. And as each summer comes, I cant help but think and reminisce on every last year’s summer. Now I am thinking of 2005’s summer, how it all started, and how it all came to its end. Im thinking about memories. Memories that my a one colorful summer. The days that I spent in diliman, and the weekends that I spent in Marikina, and the dorm, the room which I shared with three other people whom I somewhat miss. Yah, it would be ridiculous to say I know that I somewhat miss Abeth and the other girl. They were both nice people and right noe I do wish I could still see them. But I also miss my roommate lei (hehe) although I have been with her after that summer until now. Nothing really, I just miss being wit her on that one strange place. I don’t know really know why every summer, I keep on missing that place. last summer, I never thought that that was going to be my last stay. I thought I could still go back. But now, unfortunately, things had to fall on the way I never thought they would. I really planned (a year ago) to spend my one last summer in diliman but now, I have to stay here. Because I have to prepare for the next sem’s torture. Yah, my partner and I decided to work on our statistics knowledge especially using SPSS and other financial reasons keeps me away from going also. We just left the old apartment and about to move to another one. What ever, all iknow is that I am feeling weird about the melodramatic way I am feeling as I sit here on this pink little stool all alone in my room which I am soon about to leave. I couldn’t sleep here anymore.

You know what marian, you should keep yourself sometimes from being too attached with some things.